Praise be to Allah.
There is no
doubt that what you have mentioned is a problem for which you must examine the
causes and look for ways of dealing with it. It seems to us that the essence of
the problem is clear from your saying, “My wife is not interested in intimacy
and I have no attraction to her. We do not even share the same bed.”
How can two
spouses live under the same roof for four years, without any intimacy taking
place between them?
What problem in
the marital relationship is clearer than that?
How can you not
be attracted to her for this length of time?
How can the
woman do without this natural need for this length of time, no matter how weak
her libido is?
The first step
in remedying the problem is for you both to understand that one of the aims and
purposes of marriage is to attain chastity, fulfil
desire, and establish tranquillity and love. With
this behaviour you cannot establish a successful
You should both
focus on seeking a remedy to this problem in an atmosphere of openness and
mutual understanding. There is no shame in the husband telling his wife of his
natural need for intimacy and finding out the reasons why she is not interested
It is not only
a matter of fulfilling your desires and needs; rather it is important to keep
your wife chaste too, and you are responsible for that; the fact that you are
not attracted to her does not absolve you of this responsibility.
relationship is based on fulfilling rights and duties more than it is based on
emotions and inclinations. If we assume that you do not feel attracted to your
wife, you are still responsible for maintaining her chastity and you have to do
address the issue of your not being attracted to her and her not being
interested in you. Perhaps there are barriers preventing you becoming closer to
one another, such as bad treatment, being too busy, or other reasons.
failing relationship that is devoid of connection and intimacy is surrounded by
crises on all sides; indeed it is causing crises. It is essential to examine
its effects on daily interaction, because that poses a threat to the children
that cannot be ignored.
Our advice to
you is to sit down with your wife, try to draw closer to her, and fear Allah,
may He be exalted, with regard to her. You should both understand the wisdom
behind marriage and its purposes, and correct your relationship with Allah,
then He will set your affairs straight, for Allah has promised a good life to
those who believe and do righteous deeds, as He says (interpretation of the
righteousness, whether male or female, while he (or she) is a true believer (of
Islamic Monotheism) verily, to him We will give a good
life (in this world with respect, contentment and lawful provision), and We
shall pay them certainly a reward in proportion to the best of what they used
to do (i.e. Paradise in the Hereafter)”
So try hard to
do something about these causes and you will find that things will fall into
place, in sha Allah. We believe that if you sleep
together in the same bed, that will close a great deal
of the distance between you and will generate compassion and love between you.
And Allah knows best.