i know it is wrong but i realise that after i do it. I am not sure if i want to be religious any more, but then something keeps coming back and telling me that i should be a muslim. i am having hard time deciding what to do. its hard for me to stay muslim because i live in non muslim society and the muslims i know are not really muslims .
do you have any suggestions ?
Praise be to Allaah.
Your problem is a sensitive and serious problem that has to do with adhering to Islam and following its rules. Whilst we understand your problem and feel your suffering from afar, we want to remind you of the following points:
Firstly, this something that you say comes to you and tells you that you have to be a Muslim could be one of the angels, because the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) said: The Shaytaan has some hold over the son of Adam and the angel has some hold over the son of Adam. As for the hold of the shaytaan, it is reminding him of evil and disbelieving the truth. As for the hold of the angel, it is reminding him of goodness and believing the truth. Whoever find the latter, let him know that it is from Allaah, so let him praise Allaah. Whoever finds the former, let him seek refuge with Allaah from the accursed Shaytaan. Then he recited (interpretation of the meaning): Shaytaan (Satan) threatens you with poverty and orders you to commit Fahsha (evil deeds, illegal sexual intercourse, sins); whereas Allaah promises you forgiveness from Himself and bounty [al-Baqarah 2:268]. (Reported by al-Tirmidhi, 2914; he said it is a ghareeb hasan hadeeth).
Shaytaan here refers to Iblees or one of his troops. A hold (literally, touch) means coming close and having an effect. Here it refers to what happens in the heart as a result of the influence of the devil or angel. Reminding him of evil such as Kufr (disbelief), immorality and wrongdoing. Disbelieving the truth means denying the rights of Allaah or the rights of creation, or denying something that has been proven to be truesuch as Tawheed, Prophethood, Resurrection, the Day of Judgement and Paradise and Hell. As for the hold of the angel, it is reminding him of goodness such as prayer and fasting. And believing in the truth such as the Books and Messengers of Allaah. Whoever finds that means in himself, or notices or recognizes it, i.e., the hold of the angel. Let him know that it is from Allaah means it is a great blessing and wonderful mercy that has come to him because Allaah commanded the angel to touch him. Let him praise Allaah for this great blessing, because it has qualified him to be guided by the angel to this goodness. Whoever finds the former means the hold of shaytaan. Then he recited means the Prophet (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) he quoted the aayah (interpretation of the meaning): Shaytaan (Satan) threatens you with poverty means he scares you with it to stop you spending in good ways. and orders you to commit Fahsha (evil deeds, etc.) means sins.
In the light of this great hadeeth, you can now understand your situation. The something that is bringing you goodness is bringing you a blessing from Allaah, so give thanks and praise to Allaah for it. The other one who is coming to entice you to go out and dance and form illicit relationships with evil, dirty people is from the Shaytaan, so seek refuge with Allaah from that every time he tempts you with these evil dangers.
Secondly, do not worry about there being so many lost souls around you, do not let these hordes of kaafirs who are drowning in the sea of their reckless desires and sins distract you from the purpose for which you were created. Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
And if you obey most of those on the earth, they will mislead you far away from Allaahs path (al-Anaam 6:116)
And most of mankind will not believe even if you desire it eagerly (Yoosuf 12:103)
O young Muslim woman, what is the value of life if a person lives only to follow his or her own desires, steeped in vice, dancing and singing, getting drunk and causing uproar, engaging in illicit sexual conduct and behaving like an animal? Allaah says (interpretation of the meaning):
They are like cattle, nay even more astray; those! They are the heedless ones (al-Anaam 6:179).
Thirdly, as you are living in a negative atmosphere filled with so many kuffaar and Muslims who do not adhere to their religion and who may not know anything about Islam other than its name, and surrounded with trials and temptations as you are, you have to cling to Allaah and adhere to His shareeah (laws), turn to Him and pray always to Him to protect you from sin and help you to adhere to your religion. Always repeat this duaa: Yaa muqallib al-quloob thabbit qalbi ala deenak (O Controller of the hearts, make my heart adhere firmly to Your religion). Because your mother, the Mother of the Believers Aaishah (may Allaah be pleased with her) narrated from her husband, your Prophet Muhammad (peace and blessings of Allaah be upon him) that he used to recite this duaa (Yaa muqallib al-quloob thabbit qalbi ala deenak) frequently. She asked, O Messenger of Allaah, we believe in you and in what you have brought. Do you fear for us? He said, Yes, for peoples hearts are between the fingers of Allaah and He turns them as He wills. (Narrated by al-Tirmidhi, 2066. He said, this is a hasan hadeeth).
Fourthly, try to look for other Muslim women so that you can remind one another of the truth and encourage one another to be patient. Do whatever you can to call your parents to the way of truth, for how many young people have been the cause of their elders being guided!
Finally we ask Allaah to guide you in the ways of peace and to make you steadfast on the path of Islam and to bless you with the sweetness of faith. We entrust you to the care of Allaah, for those who are under His care will never be lost.
Sheikh Muhammed Salih Al-Munajjid